| Blah..... |
[18 Oct 2004|01:13am] |
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How memories lie to us! How we coat them to gold! And when we try to come back to them we realize that the gold is merly plate covering lead, ash, and paint. At one point in our live we realize that we know to much and that it is better not to know! You ever get absorbed in a room with to many voices and just feel the voice wash over you like the waves of the ocean! I heard the train horn tonight and longed to be on it to be out to be free! I have fooled my self, I am glad that I realize that now and I feel sorry for the people who live their life never knowing that they are fooled! But they do get in the head lines. How many cups of coffee does it take to be insane? Have you ever looked at a cup of coffee and seen your reflection? Love? An illusion! All it is is just a reflction in the coffee and buy the time the coffee is gone so is the reflection! Love, a black oil stain in a cup of coffee! The only purpious is to be washed down the drain!
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Set Sail)
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| Productive days! |
[13 Oct 2004|07:42am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Yesterday was great! I had to go to work to do the tip count and then because of that I was late to having lunch with Jess! We ate at Subway! I love Subway! Anyway, so after that we went over to Hastings just to kill some time before she had class. That was fun too. I then went home and did a lot of dishes and cleaned 3 loads of clothes! Sorry Ash! Havn't started on my car yet but I will! Went to work and got out at 11:30. A few people wanted to go to IHOP and just sit and talk about politics, the election, and other stuff that people talk about! Jim, my friend, bought me a cup of coffe! Thanks Jim! We didn't leave till about 2:50 am! WOW I normily dont stay up that late! But it was fun! Anyway fun day and just thought you guys might enjoy it with me! He He!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Morning |
[12 Oct 2004|02:26am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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It is 4:26 am and I can not sleep! I am dripping of every hole in my face! I hate allergies! I wish I could just drill a hole in me nose and let all the snot drain out and just patch it back up again! AUGH! ( augh has become my new favorite stress word! ) The dog keeps barking at random times and it is a little unerving!Just to let you guy know, there is nothing happing in midland at 4:30 am! I sure you guys already knew that but it was just a reminder! Anyway I am going to try to go to bed again but I dont think I will have much luck! Oh well! Goodmorning!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Funk |
[11 Oct 2004|04:01pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Broadway |
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This weekend I was in a huge funk! I am still strugiling to get out of it. I dont know what is wrong? I keep trying to shake it but it keeps coming back! AUGH! Oh well! I worked most of the weekend but I am off Mon, Tues, AND Wed! I dont know what I am going to do! I told Ash that I was going to clean my car out! I realy need to do that anyway! Oh, if you guys get a chance to go see Shall We Dance go see it! Ash and I went to see it Sunday nigh and it was great! Oh, thanks by the way again Ashly! Well I guess I better think of some more things to bide my time until I get going on the stupid coure stuff! C ya!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| looking |
[08 Oct 2004|05:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
Do you ever look at someones life and wish that you had it? Not being that person but living a life like it! I have a family acroos the street and they have kids. As I sat and watched, I saw the kids playing with there friends and the couple sitting on the yard just talking and being togethere. Then the dad got up and strting wresiling with the kids! My heart ached to be one of them, the dad the kid, just to be one of them and to have something like that! I am sure all of you have gone through that at one point in time, but I want it so bad it hurts! Goodnight!
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Set Sail)
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| Drama |
[06 Oct 2004|08:21pm] |
I hate life drama! It makes things way too complicated! Why cant we all just respect everyone, say what we need to say and trust everyone without there being a huge deal about it! Augh! On a smaller note Starbucks raised the prices today! Not fun for you people who drink Starbuck and have to pay full price! Lucky for me I work there! I have been to a few of the Lee theater play practices and the show looks like it will be good as long as everyone will speack clearly! I got a part in a play today as well. I will be playing young Scrooge in the permian Playhouse's A Christmas Carol! Loads of fun, you all should come see it! I am off tomorow but I have loads of things to do! No fun on that end of the spectrum! Oh well, I finally got all my hair choped off and now I look like a law abiding person other then some tree huging hippy in a old thrift store bought suit! Lol! Also, Jess and I had dinner and watched a old horror film! I realy liked it and I think I liked it so much I will watch it tomorow too! well there is the long and short of it! All my Love!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG DAY! |
[04 Oct 2004|10:02pm] |
Today was one long day, last night I had to close at the ol' Starbucks then the next morning go back at 6:30 am! AUGH! Not fun! I am just to sleepy to even update. I will tomorow!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Dirty Bird Fun |
[30 Sep 2004|10:25pm] |
Tonight I went to dinner with the family at Crecent City. IT was Mamaw's birthday! Yeah For Mamaw! So after that I called Ashly to see if her day ad gone any better and she said that her and he mom were going to a truck stop and I could come if I wanted to. I was out of gas and payday is not till tomorow(though now that I think about it, if I charged the gas as a credit card and not a debit it would not go through till the mornig anyway! AUGH! Stupid Ben!)! Anyway, Ash and her mom picked me up and we went to this cool truck stop! It had everything ! Even a old man, who had a strange likeness to Santa Clause, and a bird that shit on the floor and played dead! I could have watched that all night, but alas, all good thing must come to and end! I had a great time and hope we can do it again! LONG LIVE GREASY TRUCK STOP FOOD AND THE SMOKING WAITRESS WHO BRING IT TO YOU! Oh well, now I got to go to bed because I have work in the morning! Goodnight out in Livejournal land! Remeber, if you need to find me I will be in Never Never Land(the second star to the right!)
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Thinking |
[27 Sep 2004|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Hours Soundtrack |
] |
Doing the right thing should make you feel better, right?
(No comments needed, I was just sending the question out into the eternal void.)
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Today |
[26 Sep 2004|11:10pm] |
Today I spent the later part of the day with Shane and Ashly! I really enjoyed myself, first we went to B & N, then Ashly and I tried to get Shane to go see a movie. But he wanted to go rent one instead. So we then went and rented The Crow and brought it back to Ashly's house. Her sister, Becca, wanted to play school so we did that for a while. I am sorry to say guys, but as a 5th grade I sucked! I think I got sent to the principal twice and then at the end my teacher retired! I tend to do that with teachers! Oh well, then we watch part of a Lucy movie and Shane had to go! We played one game of Clue before he left and I left shortly afterwords! By the way Ash i want to finish the movie! Thanks for a great evening guys!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| Time |
[23 Sep 2004|11:41pm] |
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There comes a time in your life when you learn that all the heart pain and drama of everyday life is just not worth it. I guess I have come to that time in my life. It is not a depressing feeling, quite on the contrary, it is very liberating and uplifting. I have come to terms that I am the only one who can make me happy and to rely on others to do that for me only sets myself up for more pain and confusion! I learned after a lot of thinking and meditating on what I need to do in my life, is to just try to find a happy ray of sunshine in everything. (God, that sounds like such a corny line! But it is true!) I guess I have moved on and finally learned what was holding me back for just being me! I am so looking forward to the morning and just doing the things that I need to do. It is kinda weird, but I guess I finally grew up. Oh well! I guess I will see you guys on the flip side and hope that it is a better song then the other! Sweet dreams! and as a good friend and I would say: Nightie Night! Sleep Tight! Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite! And if you read this in the morning: Good Morning! Have a great day everyone!
Ben
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Set Sail)
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| A fine line |
[22 Sep 2004|06:00pm] |
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.
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Set Sail)
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| Work |
[21 Sep 2004|05:42pm] |
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I worked for TEN hours today! I came home and had to take my shose with a crowbar! Oh well I will like those ten hours when it comes to pay day! I talked to someone today about a equity theater in Santa Fe and I got all excited again! I can keep the theater out of my head. I can push it away for a while but it just comes back stonger! Who knows, one day after I get my pay check I might just run away and try my luck in this world!
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Set Sail)
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| Hello |
[20 Sep 2004|07:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sunsine |
] |
On request of a few people, I am back and will try to update every now and then.
I think of the dreams I have had in my life and how they have effected me and I know now that I would not trade my dreams (past and present) for anything in the world. But I found myself almost causing someone to shater the dreams that they had had planed, the reality that they had known, and I am sorry! I should have just backed away and not cause anything, I should have just been a friend and nothing more, but know I have changed things! What does one do to turn back the clock and forget the way one feels? I guess I can do what one can only do in these cercomstances, exist!
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Set Sail)
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| Auditons |
[26 Apr 2004|09:00am] |
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Sunday there were auditions for the Grass Harp in Odessa and I tryed out after my play! I hope I get a part!
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Set Sail)
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| Funny |
[25 Apr 2004|08:39am] |
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I find it so ironic how life can change in a matter of weeks. I would have never guessed that I would have been in the place that I am a month ago, but never the less this is it. I wish I could go back to High School and not have to worry about anything but what Jess and I are going to do in the afternoon or when I need to meet here in between classes. I so long for that but I can't go back! All I can do is just live my life for the future and worry about that. Things may have change but I still have my future. I know it is ubsured but right now I don't feel like I am living without here! But everyday I get a little bit stronger and everyday I find that it is a little bit easier to stand on my own. I know that she is going through the same thing. Oh well! Prom Sat. night went a little rocky but it ended well. First we all went to the Garlic Press! WOW! That was damn good food! I had a bowl of soup the was to die for, Veal Orleans that could have made me buckle at my knees and Jess and I shared some Creme Brule which chould have been made from pure gold for all I cared! Jess had a salid with a wounderful Ornge dressing and some crab meat pasta, not too bad! The prom was a little lame; First, the music stunk (don't get me wrong I LOVE oldies but they just played too many of them for Prom of 2004!), Second, it was hard to be with Jess so when she was dancing with her fiends I would wonder off. Not to be mean, it was just so hard to dance with her. I Love her so much, but every time I look into her eyes I see how much I have hurt here and that there is nothing I could do to heal THIS wound. But I know that one day time will heal it and perhapes I will be there in her life. Here friends kinda diched us about 11:20 but I don't think that we were that far behind them. Jess and I did not want to go and drink so we went a hung out until about 2 am that was fun. It was kinda like we were together again! But at the end of the nigh the dream ended and we went our seperate ways. Oh well. I am just going to wait, hold on, and see what God has for me tommarow!
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Set Sail)
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| Hello World |
[08 Apr 2004|10:14am] |
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Saturday Jess and I went to go see Blue October together. It was he monthaversary present to me. I Loved it so much! We had to bumm around for about four hours though because it started a 4 pm but Blue didn't go on until 11! Ugh! Anyway we went to the Midland mall and then we went to the Odessa Mall then we went to a coffe shop called Hipsters on Grant. This place is realy cool but kinda run by the wrong people. I had to teach the lady at the bar how to steam milk! HA ha! any way we played two games of pool. Which I won! (Finaly I beat the girl at something!) Then we played Chinese Checkers which I won again! But in the middle on the game the kid and I repet kids lit up a joint so we figurd it was time to go! We wento Dos Amigos after that and wantch Spoonfed tribe. then Blue October! We held each other for like Three hours just watching the bands. In the middle of Blue it started to rain! Oh my God how beutiful it was just to hold Jess dance to the music and be soked by rain! I had a great time! I LOVE you Jess so much. I am so looking foward to our life together!
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Set Sail)
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| Walls |
[25 Mar 2004|12:08pm] |
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At one time I felt that I had enough strenght to keep what I belived to be sanity at bay but recently the walls have been coming down and I do not have the speed nor the comentment to fix them or a least brace them until I have the strenght! Life was once very simple for me and I had the ability to just live it. But now every day is becoming harder and harder to understand. "What is happaning?" I ask my self but my sunconcius does not answer. All I hear is the walls crashing and the dust that it sturrs up clouds my mind to where I cant even ask the question any more. I am now at the point where all i do is go from one place to another with no real pourpious. I think that it is easer this way then fighting it. My parnts say that it is happing to me beacuse I am not in the Bible everyday but I then think that If God had anything to do with it He would have helped me long ago! When will it all end? And now I think I have lost the only thing I hold dear because of my inabilty to think straight. Maybe she will understand but I think that it is too late for that. I have traved down the path too far to find my way back and only I can be the one to turn around and walk back up that moutian. But like I said, right now I do not have the strenght or the will power to do it. So I will just sit here in my mind and wait for some on to show me the right way to go. Perhapes there is still hope if the is shuch a thing.
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